If you’re a human being then you’ve somehow been affected by the inevitable and heart shattering experience known as grief. If you’re someone who has never experienced it first hand or known anyone close to you who has passed or had a tramatic experience with grief, then please listen up because what I’m about to write could help you be there for your fellow friend or family going through it. Grief is the most horrible of all the sadnesses because it isn’t something you necessarily created, just something you received and most likely unexpectedly. As the person in the grief there is no guidance or direction on how to be, there is sometimes the feeling like you should hurry up and move through it though. Rushing this experience is the worst thing you can do. I am here to tell you if you experience grief, spend time in it; move through it and be with it. I say this because when you do it doesn’t shove all those feelings down in a dark hole that will someday release when its not in your best interest. Last week I experienced grief for what feels like an annual thing. When I was 24 I lost my father to cancer, when I was 29 I had my first miscarriage, then one at 32. At 33 I lost my grandmother who was my best friend in the whole world, at 35 I had another miscarriage. At 36 my pregnancy made it to 6 months and my baby just died. We were told we had to name him (Bogdon) and burry him even though he was never born alive. At 37 I lost my most prized female dog Bella, who was only 4 and the love of my world. I made it through my 38th year free and clear, and after a year of trying to get pregnant again we did. I was 8 weeks along and just a week ago at my weekly ultrasound the baby had died, no heartbeat. This one was a major shocker because I had committed to the truth that this one was going to make it and be the one. I was in such shock that I didn’t even cry until I got to my car. I went through the rattle of emotions that overthrow your system; complete anger at God, the universe, my faith, the baby who did this to me, the trust I had in the possibility, my body who failed me… ANGER. This is true for anyone going through grief, like life has failed us when really all this ever is, is one experience after the other. Now being through this 5 times as someone close to me this can be frustrating too for them. I had friends express their frustration and anger that I would have to go through this. Why prostitutes and crack whores can have babies but good natured loving people can’t. This kind of thing can rock anyone’s faith in the overall universal system. I’m here to say that with all my experiences of grief, it most definitely never gets easier- I do however feel that I’ve been able to soften the blow with the knowing which I do of how the bigger picture has the potential to unfold. I am confident that this is all leading to something and that as I look back, I will realize why and how everything happens in its own perfect space and time.

I am writing today because what shook me the most during this experience was not the grief itself, but the lack of support I received from my community. I was only 8 weeks along but there was a generous amount of people that knew about my exciting news of carrying another child. When I found out I sent an email out, as we do, to eliminate having to call people and tell them the bad news which feels like a death sentence in of itself. I expected immediate phone calls wanting to just let me know that they are there if I need them. To my surprise the calls were limited to my mother and 3 of my friends. We received flowers from my husband’s office, our close friends made us dinner and I received one card in the mail. Mostly, I got facebook comments and emails saying how sorry they were. Facebook messages like the ones you send for Happy Birthday or Good Luck on that Test. I was so hurt. Hurting in pain from the experience and the grief, and yet reeling inside that people who I thought were friends didn’t even have enough time to pick up the phone and call me. I’m sure my anger was still stringing through my thoughts and blame is fun to throw when you’re hurting, but truthfully grief and loss of this nature is most challenging. If you know someone who is going through a miscarriage, a death of a family member or friend or even a pet, it is painful. It may be scary to call that person in your eyes, maybe you don’t even want to go through the sadness- and as a friend, that is what we do for each other we call or you can send a card. But please do something besides send a facebook message. I have lost faith in humanity due to technology, especially as someone who has created a company based on reminding people how amazing they are as humans. I am so sad and severed by the fact that my own brother didn’t even call me. His message to me was that of course he was sorry, but that he would let me absorb it and call me in 3 days. I say don’t assume anything, pick up the phone and call the person you care about right away. If they don’t answer, leave them an authentic message. If you can only bring yourself to send an email, make it impactful. Take some time to think about what you’re writing and to put intention for the person to feel better. I did have some heartfelt emails from friends, which was a relief to see that they cared. And then there were people who knew about it and never said anything.

There’s no judgment, just awareness. Awareness that people who I thought had potency in my life shined expansively and for those that I knew I might be better off out of my circle of trust also gave their notice.
So I write this as a suggestion to anyone who is a friend of someone who is going through grief. Put your life aside for a half an hour. DON’T SEND A MESSAGE on facebook, unless you barely know that person then please at least make that effort. Send an email but don’t just say “I’m sorry for your loss.” As the person going through grief I really don’t want to be reminded of my loss- but like we say in the law of attraction we like to focus on what we want more of. Peace of mind, space and a better future. Let that person know how much you love them and that you are there for them. Let them know what great people they are and that they are loved by so many. Fill their hearts with any space of love you can, because that is what the heart needs. If you live within ½ an hour to that friend, go visit them… bring them flowers, bring them food, bring them a smile. I had a friend who was pregnant with a toddler and her mother died. She knew it was coming she had cancer for a long time, but it was still not easy. I brought her dinner, ice cream and lots of chocolate. Grief makes you feel completely helpless… eating your favorite food gives some control back, some pleasure centers… even if it’s one bite. Someone going through grief is not going to necessarily reach out for help… it’s scary and lonely, and the pain can be so overwhelming that we don’t even want to burden anyone with its cryptic aroma unless you’re a family member. As a friend or even as an acquaintance, step up and make a difference in that person’s life by calling them on the phone or stopping by. The energy of love that comes from that one act is like being showered with riches of gold. I encourage you to think of your life in moments of value. When you die I’m told that we review a large orb or ball which recaps your life, kind of like that movie “Defending your Life.” I am proud of my life because while there are definite areas I can work on, I know that I have been there for people in the moments that matter. If you treat people the way you would want to be treated, then your life review will get you your golden wings. Ask yourself if you are proud of how you are acting, being and treating other people. With respect to grief, the next time you hear someone is going through be their knight and shining armor, you will stand out in their heart and mind forever and they will be in gratitude to you for being the little piece of light, they needed on that dark cold night. I am lucky, I am strong person and have generated my own healing from this experience. Most people aren’t as resilient… so please put down the blackberry and use your human contact to connect with the people that matter and sometimes even the people that don’t. Life is too short. You can’t take your cell phone to the other side – it won’t ever offer you the connection that humans have for each other. I hope this helps you be an angel for someone else… because what goes around comes around and as a creator of our reality we owe it to ourselves to generate love to humanity and all our fellow beings, in grief and in good times.

Blessings, Alexandra

Back to Heaven - Emme 10/7/10